Who’s Afraid of the Big, Bad Cougar?
I’ve had ample opportunity over years in the service industry to observe dating practices and to overhear what the happy hour crowd says about each other when they think no one else is listening. The older “Cougar” involved in or pursuing a relationship with a younger man always draws strong opinions. Some find it Oedipal and inappropriate, viewing the youthful male as hapless prey. Others assert that the feminist movement has made woman-older relationships at least as socially acceptable as those in which an older man chooses a younger mate.
Recently, the “predatory older woman” provoking all the judgments turned out to be a close friend of mine. Recently divorced but not yet dating, she was surprised at being enthusiastically pursued by a man over 15 years her junior. Within our circle, reactions ranged from amusement to envy to outright disbelief and disapproval. Had the man so openly expressing his interest been closer to 40, the fact that he was single, charming, attractive, and gainfully employed would have been cause for happy and hopeful speculation. As a student of social science, I decided to look for some facts to counter the critics’ opinions. How common is this type of matchup? Can it be satisfying and successful, and if so, for whom and why?
A number of websites are flourishing where younger men can connect specifically with older women, and famous couples like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher counter the stereotype of Mrs. Robinson. I was unable to locate any data on same-sex age-gap pairings, but I found a growing body of research looking at the dating habits of older heterosexual singles. A 2003 AARP () survey showed that 34% of the 40 - 69 year old women polled had dated younger men. Another survey, conducted by Proulx and colleagues (2006), found higher levels of education and marital history to be statistically significant predictors of this type of age-gap partnering. The theory is that women who postpone marriage in favor of education or remarry at a later age may have more liberal beliefs about gender equality and dating. It is also suggested that these women are faced with a smaller pool of potential same-age partners since older men more often are married or suffer age-related health problems. These factors make it more likely that women will be more willing to defy the social stigma around dating younger in order to take advantage of an expanded range of partners to choose from.
From the standpoint of evolutionary psychology, in which partnering choice is viewed as a subconscious drive geared toward perpetuating the human species, older women are less likely to include resources ensuring survival of their offspring in their list of mating must-haves. Genetic and economic suitability for parenting may become less vital than other relationship factors once child-bearing years have passed. From a social psychology view, research backs up the idea that Americans of both genders are becoming more liberal in their sexual attitudes. This view suggests that society is becoming more accepting of older women expressing their sexuality. As this taboo is lifted, women may find themselves more comfortable engaging in physical and emotional relationships with younger men. Social structural theory notes the way gender differences in power result in gender differences in sexuality. Women with more power (i.e., money, career, social standing) may be more likely to express this in their dating and mating habits. Women who have achieved masculine standards of success may seek later-life companions more like men have in the past, substituting designer accessories for the sports car, Botox for the comb-over and finding youth and beauty desirable or even essential in a potential mate.
Theory and stereotypes aside, however, women in age-gap relationships seem to agree on 5 main reasons for choosing younger over same-age or older partners: greater fitness/attractiveness, better sex, less “baggage”, more interest in leisure activities, and a positive effect on the woman’s self-concept. The men in these relationships point to life experience, maturity, established careers/finances, and good looks attracting them to older partners. Some find the older woman’s lack of interest in long term commitment appealing. A poll on , however, indicated that as many as 91% of their female members hoped to enter committed relationships. The most common problems faced by woman-older couples in relation to their age difference seem to be the perception of social stigma and issues around having children. Interestingly, one limited study of age-gap couples, conducted by Lehmiller and Agnew (2008), showed woman-older relationships to have a higher level of satisfaction and commitment than same-age or women-younger pairings. The study by Proulx and colleagues cites a statistic showing nearly one quarter of weddings every year are younger man/older woman pairings.
A recent study by Kontula and Haavio-Manila (2009) indicates that today’s aging female population maintains the desire and capacity for active sexual relationships into their 70s and beyond. The same study notes that aging is consistently linked with sexual problems for men, but not for women, when viewed independently of relationship factors. Other studies have shown that expression of sexuality tends to become more diverse as people age. As a result of advances in medical and pharmaceutical technology, women are likely to look, feel and act younger and healthier longer than they have in previous generations. These positive physical, cultural and lifestyle changes affecting single older women looking for sex, love, and marriage may well lead them to pursue as well as be pursued by younger partners. When couples have given serious thought to how they will deal with age-gap issues of social disapproval and the ability or desire to have children, the remaining problems are those faced in any relationship, including the inevitabilities of aging and death.
So, to the arbiters of propriety ensconced at the bar (or in line at the grocery, in the next pew at church…)I present the reasons you should stick to debating college sports scores or commenting on the track records of local TV weathermen. To my 40-ish friend, and other women in your position, I say the 20-something guy may not be Mr. Right, but his age no longer has to be what makes him Mr. Wrong.
Sources: Kontula, O., & Haavio-Mannila, E. (2009). The impact of aging on human sexual activity and sexual desire. Journal of Sex Research, 46(1), 46 – 56.
Lehmiller, J. J. & Agnew, C. R. (2008). Commitment in age-gap heterosexual romantic relationships: A test of evolutionary and socio-cultural predictions. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 32, 74 - 82.
Malatesta, V. J. (2007). Sexual problems, women and aging: An overview. Journal of Women & Aging, 19(1/2), 139 – 154.
Petersen, J. L., & Shibley Hyde, J. (2010). A meta-analytic review of research on gender differences in sexuality, 1993 – 2007. Psychological Bulletin, APA, 136(1), 21 – 38.
Proulx, N., Caron, S. & Logue, M. E. (2006). Older women/younger men: A look at the implications of age difference in marriage. Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, 5(4), 43 – 64.
Author: Lori Standish, St. Joseph's College, Connecticut
